Night Unto Night

Pondering a ponder… August 23, 2008

As I sit here like so many other mornings, after 3ish hours of prayer and 2 hours of singing on my worship team…I am tired.  But in my mind I’m wrestling with what I have accomplished so far over 5 months of being here.  Pondering my efforts and wondering if I “ran” with all my heart and fully gave myself as I wanted to.  I feel grieved at my efforts.  I know I’m a little hard on myself but I really want to get the fullness out of each moment I’m here and feel like maybe I haven’t done so.  Not that I’ve given myself to lesser things.  I haven’t!  Actually everything I’ve given myself to is quit radical in all logical observations.  And spiritually they are foundational for my generation: Studying the End-Times, studying intimacy with the Living God, the soon coming signs and wonders to be seen in the heavens and on earth, radical revival and whole hearted abandonment…not many people care deeply of these things like I have come to desire them over the years, but in the end they’re just things to do.  Good and deep they are, but still just things(I’m sure some day I’ll probably read this and think, “you really missed the mark on this one Dougie”…but until then:).  I think, truly, one of the deepest things a man can do is sit before the Lord and speak with Him and have Him speak back.  Literally Psalm 27:4!  Its all over the place here at IHOP.  Its like the verse over this house.  To bless and behold the Lord.  But I would say that my heart is truly in that and I want that with all my heart.  But in sitting before the Lord, a mans heart, a man who has been touched by the love of God, will always long for the quiet and gentle touch of his Friend Jesus Christ.  I feel as if I haven’t had that the entire time I was here.  And frankly I’m a little broken over it.  It’s the reason I came to IHOP…to regain the lost ground I had with the Lord in my walk.  Not that I’d fallen away but at some point since the beginning in 02′ He became quiet and I stopped hearing Him.  And I did see it but didnt know what to do to “fix” or change it.  And so, this morning I sit hungry once again longing for this simple touch.  Please come and touch my heart Lord Jesus!

Its not that I feel unsaved, but I just feel like its been a while since I sat next to my best friend and had a good cry and told Him how much I loved Him.

“In repentence and rest is your salvation.  In quietness and trust is your strength.”